Baby Hoosier #3 :: Week 21

This week, Baby is the size of a: pomegranate 
Sleep: I am finally able to sleep comfortably on my side (if I use a body pillow!). I am a back/tummy sleeper so having to change that as my belly grows made sleeping a bit awkward. 
Best moment this week: Our ultrasound! Katie is growing perfectly and we have no placenta previa. It was so great to finally see her and know that she's a girl and to give her a name!
Movement: At this point I was just starting to feel Meghan without concentrating on her; Katie is much more wiggly and/or much stronger. She has noticeable sleep times and waketimes and she makes sure that Mama knows when she is awake. It doesn't hurt at all yet, and I love each of those little kicks that remind me she is there and healthy and growing.
Food cravings: steak, carbs
Symptoms: still some morning sickness, some shortness of breath, lots of kicking baby in my belly, muscles are stretching around my belly, my stomach (while always hungry) is able to hold less at one time right now
Milestones: She is swallowing lots of fluid now (her ultrasound revealed that her whole digestive/urinary system seems to be doing well with this). She is also developing meconium - her first poop - how cute (note the sarcasm?!?). 

Baby Hoosier #3 :: Week 20

This week, Baby is the size of a: banana
Sleep: I am able to stay up a bit later some nights. I am now having to go to the bathroom frequently during the night - so that's causing some lost sleep :) 
Best moment this week: We finally got our 20 week ultrasound scheduled! We will see baby on Monday afternoon! I also finished the cross-stitching for the baby's birth sampler. Now I just need to do the back-stitching and add baby's name!
Movement: Baby has become quite the wiggler. Several times a day I can feel it moving around or kicking in my belly. I am thoroughly enjoying it! 
Symptoms: I am down to only one dose of morning sickness meds (vs. 3)! My stomach is definitely restricted for space so I can't eat much at one time and then often have heartburn afterwards. I am having less back pain! And I get out of breath pretty easily. 
Milestones: Baby's sensory system is developing - the brain is specializing in sight, hearing, taste, smell, and touch. It is also developing the coating that will protect baby's skin while floating in amniotic fluid for another 4.5 months!

Baby Hoosier #3 :: Week 17

This week, Baby is the size of a: onion
Sleep: Sleep has been pretty good this week. I've been being busy during the day which is making me super tired early in the evening and I'm sleeping quite well all night. 
Best moment this week: This morning I fell part way down our stairs and so to be safe we were sent to the hospital to check on baby. We were able to get an extra listen to baby's heartbeat! Still going strong at 150!
Movement: Every once and a while when I'm still I feel baby move. But it's nothing very consistent yet. 
Food cravings: Still no super strong cravings. However, my body is very anti anything too rich or fatty this pregnancy.  
Symptoms: Some morning sickness (though it's still improving), low back pain, Cole has pointed out that I have started waddling :) 
Milestones: Baby's scalp is developing hair growth patterns and baby is growing toenails. Its head is becoming more erect.

Baby Hoosier #3 :: Week 16

This week, Baby is the size of a: avocado 
Sleep: Sleep has been really hit or miss this week. Getting comfortable has been difficult. 
Best moment this week: We got to listen to baby at my appointment yesterday! Baby's heart rate was between 150-170 depending on what it was up to. The heartbeat was very strong. Baby did lots of flipping and moving all over while the doctor tried to corner it long enough to get a good long read. We kept hearing "whoosh-whoosh", a short clip of a heartbeat, and more "whoosh-whoosh" as baby moved away from the doppler over and over until finally consenting to let us have a good long listen. Meghan was super active and hard to track down but this baby proved to be even more difficult....I might need to start trying to figure out a way to make "shin guards" for my ribs if this little one is going to be kicking even more than Meghan did. Though, I'd gladly take TONS of movement and kicking for the reminder that baby is healthy and growing!
Movement: Often when I am really still in the evening I feel a little "goldfish" swimming around. Based on it's movement yesterday, the doctor was not at all surprised that I am feeling baby move already! I love those little flutters!
Food cravings: None really...food has been much easier this pregnancy than last. As long as I eat on a regular basis, it doesn't matter most of the time what it is that I eat.
Symptoms: morning sickness when not taking meds (though, we took me off supplemental progesterone yesterday which should help, and I'm only needing 2 doses instead of 3 to keep food down all day....so improvement!), there is no doubt that I am pregnant when you look at me, my sacroiliac joint is in a lot of pain now - yesterday the doctor did some adjusting and it seemed to help some, I hate subaru commercials - the pregnancy emotions have kicked in and those ones get me every single time 
Milestones: Baby is moving fluid through the lungs and respiratory track and is able to see light through fused eyelids. 

Baby Hoosier #3 :: Week 15

This week, Baby is the size of a: navel orange
Sleep:  I'm finally able to stay up at night until 9 or 10!! I am waking super early in the morning unable to sleep any longer but without the energy to get up and be productive. 
Best moment this week: We got to meet our friend's new baby last night. Meghan instantly recognized the "baby" and showed interest in her. I can't wait to watch her become a big sister. 
Movement: I think I felt the baby move twice in the last few days - there's a good chance it wasn't the baby (it's still very early to possibly feel movement) - but I am choosing to believe it was a little baby flutter
Food cravings: fruit almost always hits the spot, no real food cravings
Symptoms: I tried going off of my morning sickness medicines - and needed to go back on them after spending four hours in the middle of the night in the bathroom. I am starting to have a bit more energy as the second trimester is picking up.... wahoo! 
Milestones: The baby can squint, grimmace, and suck it's thumb. Baby is making faces quite frequently as his/her brain is sending lots of messages to the face. Baby is making red blood cells, bile, and urine. 

Baby Hoosier #3 :: Week 14

This week, Baby is the size of a: lemon
Sleep: I am having WEIRD dreams! They aren't usually scary, like they were with Meghan, but man - they are weird and I wake up so confused!
Best moment this week: I haven't thrown up in over a week! I've even had energy a few days!
Movement: apparently baby is moving like crazy right now - I just can't feel it. 
Food cravings: no cravings, really. I can eat mostly anything now. I have to remember to eat every few hours or I start feeling sick to my stomach.  
Symptoms: weird dreams, baby belly - it makes me so happy to be able to see my little one growing (from what I can feel, my uterus is over halfway up my belly button), I'm starting to have to go to the bathroom a lot - baby must like my bladder :), my lower back and sacroiliac joint have been hurting - a friend recommended trying a maternity support belt and one is in the mail! if that doesn't provide as much relief as I'm hoping for we will be heading to the chiropractor
Milestones: The baby now has fingerprints. Its body is growing and becoming more proportional - the head is now only 1/3 of the baby's total length. It's legs are longer than it's arms and it's beginning to practice breathing using the amniotic fluid.

Baby Hoosier #3 :: Week 13

This week, Baby is the size of a: peach
Sleep: I'm super tired early in the evening. But then when I go to bed I struggle to fall asleep. I think I might start taking my kindle to bed and read until I'm SUPER sleepy. 
Best moment this week: We had an appointment last week. It still was too early to hear the baby's heartbeat on Doppler - since Meghan was notoriously difficult to find (the doctor says we have little pistols!) and since because of our miscarriage not being able to find a heartbeat would inevitably lead to lots of worry, he didn't even try. But, he did a blood draw and my progesterone levels took a huge jump indicating that the baby's placenta has taken over making progesterone; we will do a blood draw in four weeks and I will most likely be able to come off of my progesterone supplements at that time - wahoo!!

Also - we are into the second trimester! Wahoo! 
For all three of my babies I have given up caffeine for the first trimester - there is a 12 pack of Dr Pepper with real sugar waiting for me to enjoy throughout the rest of the pregnancy.....this is my favorite drink and they had it in 12 packs this summer instead of just bottles! So Cole got me a 12 pack to set aside. That may be my best thing next week ;)
Movement: none yet...I cannot wait! 
Food cravings: no cravings; I'm starting to be able to eat  most meals and foods - especially at dinnertime; I'm digging fresh fruits and veggies! 
Symptoms: morning sickness is off and on (sometimes it's awful and sometimes it's not bad at all); today my sacroiliac joint locked up for the first time this pregnancy - looks like it's time to go see the chiropractor - this happened throughout Meghan's pregnancy, so I'm hoping that a little bit of help from my chiropractor will keep it in check this time; my skin is clearing up as the first trimester hormones are going away; I am keeping water down! Up until the last week or two, if it wasn't slightly carbonated, I couldn't keep liquid down. I'm enjoying having water back!
Milestones: The baby is opening and closing its fists, starting to use its mouth to suck, and its intestines (which have grown into the umbilical cord) are moving into position in its abdomen - I find myself praying over those little intestines pretty regularly. Hopefully this little one will not inherit celiac disease.

Baby Hoosier #3 :: Week 12

This week, Baby is the size of a: plum
Sleep: Weird dreams, often scary continue. I am sleeping very little during the day, but falling asleep before 9:00 most nights.
Best moment this week: I had two days this week where, compared to recently, I felt GREAT! As the second trimester is coming, morning sickness is decreasing some days. Also....I find it so amazing that baby is already the size of a plum when he/she was just two cells less than 3 months ago! 
Movement: none yet...a few more weeks and there will hopefully be something to put here!
Food cravings: Not really craving much....I have to eat ate consistent intervals during the day and little sounds amazing at those times. But, I am starting to eat a wider range of foods without feeling sick - yay for better and more diverse nutrition for baby! 
Symptoms: still some morning sickness, still tired, starting to be able to eat more!
Milestones: tooth buds are starting to grow, some bones are starting to harden, and baby is hiccuping as his/her diaphragm is developing

Baby Hoosier #3 :: Week 11

This week, Baby is the size of a: lime
Sleep: Seriously, I'm ready for the weird dreams to go away - they have started getting scary and I'm not a fan!! I nap for a short period a few times a week, but no longer depend on a daily nap to make it through the rest of the day. 
Best moment this week: There have been a few days where morning sickness has been lighter and Meghan and I have enjoyed playing outside in the beautiful fall weather! 
Movement: lots of movement, hope to feel it soon!!
Food cravings: I don't really crave anything right now. Some foods sound awful and some sound okay. Most of the time I have to force myself to eat when it's time. 
Symptoms: Still have morning sickness - sometimes it's completely debilitating and sometimes it's super light and I can manage to get several large tasks done around the house. Baby is beginning to be prominently noticeable. My skin looks AWFUL - like a 13 year old; the things that I usually would do for acne breakouts are not considered safe for the first trimester - so I'm just dealing :) 
Milestones: The baby is in the fetal stage now, and has been for a week. All major organs are in place and now just need to continue growing and developing. Baby has fingernails and peach fuzz is beginning to grow all over its body. 

Baby Hoosier #3 :: Week 10

This week, Baby is the size of a: fig
Sleep: I'm able to give up naps about 50% of days. Weird dreams have definitely kicked in; I can't even try to follow the story lines in the morning :) 
Best moment this week: Morning sickness is lightening some - it's been great this week to be able to spend more time doing things and playing with Meghan. 
Movement: baby is moving, I just can't feel it yet
Food cravings: peanut butter and jelly - always! 
Symptoms: Morning sickness was awful at the beginning of this week - probably the worst it had been so far. However, after those first two days, it seems to have been lightening some with good parts of every day. I'm getting a bit more done each day and Meghan and I are getting to do more activities together. 

I pulled out the small and medium sized maternity tees this week - being so short waisted, baby is starting to make it's presence known enough that my fitted tees were getting tight and were noticeably shorter in the front than the back. It is time to start wearing shirts that account for baby to take up some space. I feel like baby is showing about 2 weeks ahead of Meghan's pregnancy. Milestones: Baby has working arm joints. Vital organs are all working and fingernails are starting to grow. Baby is swallowing amniotic fluid and kicking. 

Baby Hoosier #3 :: Week 9

This week, Baby is the size of a: grape
Sleep: I can usually make it until 8:00/8:30 these days before passing out on the couch.
Best moment this week: We had our first ultrasound of baby this week! It's heart is beating at 170 bpm and everything looks healthy!! It even gave us a few wiggles. It felt so wonderful to watch that little heart beat - it brought so much reassurance to my heart. 

 It was also wonderful that they were able to do an external ultrasound and did not need to do an internal one to get a good view of baby; an internal ultrasound is what confirmed the death of our second baby and not having to face that again was a welcome surprise.
Movement: None felt yet - can't wait! We did get to watch some wiggles at the ultrasound!
Food cravings: Flavor! Chipotle burritos, Mediterranean quinoa, Brussels sprouts roasted in salt & pepper, asparagus roasted with garlic & lemon juice, Jason's Deli sandwiches
Symptoms: Morning sickness continues, sometimes it is all that I can do to keep up with it and sometimes I have bursts of energy in which I can do things. Belly is really starting to poke out - doctor confirmed that the uterus is up in front and swelling - and in a tighter shirt, you can see that :) My hair is super thick - like almost hard to manage it's so thick!!
Milestones: Baby is out of the embryonic stage and into the fetal stage. Baby's fingers and toes are no longer webbed!

Baby Hoosier #3 :: Week 8

This week, Baby is the size of a: kidney bean
Sleep: I generally sleep well. I am starting to be able to stay up a bit later in the evenings with Cole. (Though, I also usually sneak a nap in the afternoon.)
Best moment this week: I had my first prenatal appointment this week. Doctor said that the cervix is tightly closed and that my uterus is feeling like it's the correct size and in the correct position - two good signs to point towards a healthy pregnancy! Results of bloodwork and UA will be available in the next few days for more confirmation. And....we are looking forward to our first peek at baby next Monday!! 
Movement: apparently baby is moving a lot; just can't feel it yet
Food cravings: steak burrito, chocolate milk, pizza....that's pretty much all I want and all that will stay down. Bland simple carbs? Nope! Those come right back up! 
Symptoms: Morning sickness is very difficult but I haven't lost weight this pregnancy, so we are calling it a win and sticking with the current plan for handling morning sickness. I'm super drowsy through the morning as a result of one of the meds I take to help with morning sickness and Meghan has been so great - she allows me to rest most of the first two hours of her morning and plays happily away (spreading her toys throughout the ENTIRE first floor in the process) while I rest on the couch. While it certainly can't be called a "bump" there is certainly a lot of pressure on my waist bands right where baby is - I'm certain I will be showing by the end of the first trimester again. 
Milestones: Baby has little fingers and toes starting to make their appearance. Baby is losing it's tail and starting to move around like crazy - just can't wait to feel it!

Baby Hoosier #3 :: Week 7

This week, Baby is the size of a: blueberry
Sleep: We've added not only progesterone, but additional med/vitamins for morning sickness. I'm tired ALL. THE. TIME. I'm sleeping great at night. 
Best moment this week: Seeing some relief from morning sickness has been wonderful!
Movement: none yet...can't wait!
Food cravings: steak, steak burrito, greasy pizza
Symptoms: Morning sickness got so bad that nothing was staying down. We started a combination of over-the-counter medication & vitamins and they have served to help relieve it enough for food to stay down. That has been a wonderful change. 
Milestones: Baby is working on growing arms and legs. As well as the sensory organs - honestly baby is growing so fast and in so many ways each week that it's hard to even keep track! 

This seven week update was the last update that I made for baby #2 as the miscarriage process began that evening and our baby was delivered 2 days later. We are praying desperately that this baby is still healthy and that we will get to meet him or her in the spring!

Baby Hoosier 3 :: 6 Weeks

This week, Baby is the size of a: corn kernel
Sleep: I'm super tired every night and ready for bed by about 7:30. It makes doing anything with Cole after Meghan's in bed interesting :) 
Best moment this week: We announced this little miracle's existence on social media at 5 weeks. We had blood work done after starting progesterone supplements, and my numbers are looking great! Meghan loves watching them do my blood work. 

We took Meghan to the Children's Farmstead on Thursday (that's why this is a day late!). Cole took the morning off work and we went and checked out all of the farm animals together. It was a blast!! 
Movement: none yet
Food cravings: ramen noodles, greasy pizza, cheese slices, steak Chipotle burrito....basically nothing else sounds good AT ALL.
Symptoms: major morning sickness and difficulty keeping anything down - waistbands make it worse, so like I did in Meghan's pregnancy, I've moved into my small maternity bottoms to relieve any pressure around my stomach
Milestones: Baby's heart is starting to beat - we are praying that this is developing normally! His/her mouth, ears, and nose are starting to form. 

Hello Little Rainbow!

For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him. 
1 Samuel 1:23

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I am so overwhelmed by this story. 

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In the beginning of 2015, as I thought about what I wanted from the coming year, I knew that learning to lean more completely on God was something I needed to improve. I am independent and like to be as self reliant as possible. I like to know the plan. And so, I began the year praying that God would teach me about trust. That at the end of the year I would be confident in my ability to TRUST GOD even when the plan seemed unclear. To TRUST GOD with the decision making in our lives. 

The song "Oceans" was a song I went to for encouragement during Meghan's feeding struggles. It provided musical inspiration for my prayers over 2015. The lyrics "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the water. Wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior." - These words were my prayer over the year. I wanted to be like so many people I read about in the Bible who trusted God to do big things and saw Him work mightily in and through them. I wanted to learn to abandon all that I am and want to be to who I trust Him to be. I wanted to go deeper than I would ever choose to wander. And, I did, God carried me far deeper into leaning on Him than I would have ever chosen to wander....

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Sunday May 17th at 7:20 am - I gave birth to our second child. Seven months too soon. 

This was somewhere I never wanted to be. 

This was deeper than my feet would have ever chosen to wander. 

There was nowhere to go but right into the open arms of my Father. And that's where I ran. That's where I stayed. That's where my ability to trust Him was tested. 

And the harder I leaned into Him, the more I cried out to Him - the more he confirmed that He was good. That I could continue to trust Him.

I was learning to trust in a way I never had before. 

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After our miscarriage, we talked about what we wanted to do next. There was the option to be done having children. There was the option to try again to get pregnant. While I have come to a place of relative peace with the fact that given out difficulties with conception (and, apparently, maintaining a pregnancy) our family will likely be smaller than I had dreamed of, we did not feel peace about having only one child. Meghan needs a sibling. 

And so, from a place of pain, we began pursuing a third pregnancy. 

I was learning to trust in a way I never had before.

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After the miscarriage, these lyrics were so true of where we were: "There is strength within the sorrow. There is beauty in our tears. And You meet us in our mourning with a love that casts out fear." 

As we began infertility treatment again, the second part of that verse provided encouragement and challenging lyrics: "You are working in our waiting. You're sanctifying us. When beyond our understanding, you're teaching us to trust."

I knew that whatever the next several months held God was already in it. Whatever happened would continue to teach me trust - even when, like the miscarriage, it would be beyond my understanding. God's goal is my sanctification. 

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Infertility treatment is difficult. 

Miscarriage is heart-wrenchingly awful. Losing a child leaves such a wound on a mother's heart.

Infertility treatment after miscarriage is terrible and brings memories of the miscarriage back in waves. And it tempts constant fear that things will not be okay.

My body quickly adjusted to the miscarriage and returned to a state of "not pregnant" quickly and without the need for any medical intervention. We met with the infertility specialist and were told that in 4-6 weeks my body would be ready to try for another baby. 

Eight weeks later - nothing. While my body knew it was no longer pregnant, hormonally, it just stopped there. My hormone levels never went back to normal. (While normal hormones are a completely different thing for women with PCOS than others, there is a normal state from which infertility treatment can begin.) I called my doctor and he and the infertility specialist talked and prescribed a hormone for me to take for a few days to jump start my body again. If the hormone did not work, it was possible that my body had sustained damage from the miscarriage or that my uterus had become cystic - two things that would mean no more babies for the Hoosiers. We had to wait 3 weeks to find out. 

I was learning to trust in a way I never had before.

The hormone seemed to do what it needed to do and we started clomid just as we had for our previous two pregnancies. An ultrasound in 2 weeks would be the final test to determine whether my uterus was still able to carry a little one. Clomid made me emotional, and tired, and physically sick....it was by far a worse experience than the previous two times. While I knew God had a plan in this, I was frustrated by being here again, with only one child at home again. 

On the day of my ultrasound, I left Meghan playing with a friend and prayed and prepped my heart for going back into the hospital. The infertility clinic is housed in the same hospital where we went to the ER during our miscarriage. This would be my first time returning on my own. I prayed all the way through the lobby, into the elevator, and to the fourth floor.

We did vitals. And I was left in a room to change into a hospital gown for the ultrasound. That's when it hit me. A huge crashing wave of memories. The last time I was in a hospital gown. The last time that I faced one of these machines. The last time confirmed that my baby was dead. The last time confirmed that my baby was gone. The last time I had an ultrasound was during the worst experience of my life. 

I started praying. And breathing deeply. And trying to calm my rapidly racing heart. But as the nurse practitioner came into the room the tears flowed. She asked what was wrong and then remembered and gave me a big hug. She gave me a tissue and gave me a moment to collect myself and the ultrasound began. 

It was confirmed that my uterus was healthy after the miscarriage. No cysts. No damage. Great news! 

It also confirmed that the clomid had not worked as it had in the past. There was what appeared to be a slightly developed egg, but it wasn't big enough to be ready for conception. It was either an egg that needed more time to develop or a cyst that was swollen (potentially indicating further health problems). My heart was overcome with sadness. I was given an additional prescription to help my body identify which hormones it is supposed to be "listening" to during this phase and we scheduled an ultrasound for two days later to see if that growth was a developed egg or a potentially dangerous swollen cyst. That day I was frustrated. I was overwhelmed. I was sad. 

Between the emotions and memories brought back by the ultrasound and the results of the ultrasound I was an emotional mess. 

I was learning to trust in a way I never had before. 

Two days later I returned for another ultrasound. I was prepared to face the machine. As I changed into my gown, I repeated over and over (and out loud) "you are just a machine." The ultrasound began and wonderful news! There was a healthy egg! No potentially dangerous cyst. Instead, a potential baby. As with the past two treatments, I was given a shot, a "good luck", and headed home. 

Two weeks later, I woke at 4:30 and needed to go to the bathroom so badly that I could not fall back asleep. I was without the fear and trepidation that had accompanied me to these tests so many times in the past. I was calm. I knew that I was held in the arms of my father. And I knew that I could trust him to work a perfect plan in the life of our family. 

By 4:35, a smile moved across my face. Positive. Baby #3. 

After the storm of miscarriage, after the pain of losing a beloved child, another baby was coming. 

Our Rainbow Baby!! 

Blood tests confirmed pregnancy. Blood tests a few days later confirmed it again. 

Our sweet rainbow baby - our rainbow of hope after the storm - is due in late April 2016! 

We are elated. We are blessed. 

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Pregnancy after miscarriage is already very different than pregnancy before. 

Going to the bathroom brings a bit of anxiety - what if there's blood? Every hunger pain brings a small pang of fear - what if that's a contraction? It's a daily battle. But it's one I'm fighting. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

And I am still learning to trust. 

But, much more than at the beginning of the year, trust is becoming more natural. 

Fear and anxiety (my seemingly constant companions) are more easily pushed away in favor of trust. 

As a result of going "deeper than my feet could ever wander", I have indeed found that my faith has been "made stronger in the presence of my savior."

I cling to and remind myself of this scripture throughout the day:

Be strong and very courageous. 

Joshua 1:7a

I am confident in my God. He will work His good and perfect plan in our family. 

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Children are a gift from the LORD. 
Psalm 127:3a

Amen. Amen. And Amen.

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In case you're curious....

The Story of Our Baby #1 (Meghan)

The Story of Our Baby #2

Our Miscarriage Story

Baby Hoosier 2 :: 7 Weeks

This week, Baby is the size of a: blueberry
Total weight gain/loss: I don't know and really, I'm not too concerned with keeping track.
Sleep: I've been very tired and struggling to sleep the past few nights - though, the last two I slept in a room with Meghan and she's noisy! (see best moment for more!)
Best moment this week:  We went to Manhattan and got to meet the newest cousins - Jase and Avery! They are so sweet and it was fun to practice all those newborn Mama skills with them. Meghan loved the babies and everyone who was at the house knows with 100% certainty that she knows and understands the word "baby". She was nervous to do much with them, but most definitely enjoyed touching their toes while they sat in their Boppys. She showed no jealousy when I held them at all and I am hopeful that her love of babies, her gentleness with them, and her lack of jealousy will continue when this little nugget joins our family!
Movement: None yet. 
Food cravings: fruit, energy bites, hard boiled eggs, COLD things
Symptoms: Nausea has hit hard this week - still no vomiting though! Very tired. And boy am I breaking out - I feel like I'm back in 7th grade!
Belly Button in or out: in, hopefully for a while!
Milestones: Baby is working on growing arms and legs. As well as the sensory organs - honestly baby is growing so fast and in so many ways each week that it's hard to even keep track! Baby is growing 100 brain cells per minute. The sex glands are forming and facial features are becoming much more recognizable. Baby is looking much more like a small little human being than a tadpole! 

Baby Hoosier 2 :: 6 Weeks

This week, Baby is the size of a: corn kernal
Total weight gain/loss: ??
Sleep: I'm super tired and fall asleep ridiculously early in the evening.
Best moment this week: We got the bed moved out of the nursery and the rocking chair and swing set up - Meghan loves swinging in the swing! We are trying to let her experience the baby things again so that they are less new and exciting when they are being used by the baby. I need to get some pictures of this!
Movement: none yet
Food cravings: pickles, so far not much food stuff at all
Symptoms: Super tired. Nausea has been improving - hopefully that will continue!! 
Belly Button in or out: in - hopefully for a while
Milestones: Baby's heart is starting to beat & his/her mouth, ears, and nose are starting to form!

(There really isn't anything to see in terms of a baby belly yet; but I read a blog where during her second pregnancy she took pictures with her first on a regular basis - it was cool to watch how much he grew and changed while the baby grew. My hope is to do a similar thing with Meghan and this baby. So here we are at 6 weeks pregnant and 14.5 months old!)

Baby Hoosier 2 :: 5 Weeks

This week, Baby is the size of a: sesame seed
Total weight gain/loss: still haven't checked this
Sleep: I'm super tired. I've been taking a 20 minute nap in the afternoon which has been helping. Weird dreams have already started - usually they involve snakes - eww!
Best moment this week: It was fun sharing with family last weekend that baby is on it's way!
Movement: nope
Food cravings: pickles, cold water 
Symptoms: some nausea, tired, bloating (love elastic waist pants!)
Belly Button in or out: in, hopefully for a while!
Milestones: baby's spinal tube is starting to develop and will soon become a brain and spinal cord 

Baby Hoosier 2 :: 4 Weeks

This week, Baby is the size of a: poppy seed
Total weight gain/loss: ??
Sleep: sometimes I'm very tired; needing to go to the bathroom and being hungry have already started to wake me up! 
Best moment this week: Finding out (Thursday) that we are expecting this little one! And then, reading back through my posts like this with Meghan's pregnancy and reminiscing over the gallon of pickles and the constant NEED to drink pickle juice. And being amazed by how long my favorite foods were vinegar potato chips and mint ice cream. I'm looking forward to comparing this baby's pregnancy with hers.
Movement: Nope.
Food cravings: pickles (yup, again!), water
Symptoms: bloating, tired, mild nausea (if I wear elastic waist pants this improves some)
Belly Button in or out: in, hopefully for quite a while still
Milestones: We're pregnant! That's a pretty big milestone! 

A Miracle, A Blessing, AGAIN!

I had heard the story about a million times in the last two years. After hearing about our journey through infertility in order to conceive Meghan it seemed everyone had a story about how they "have a friend who has a friend" or "have an uncle whose sister's brother-in-law's cousin" had PCOS and after having their first baby, everything just worked. They have 6,000 perfect children now and they never needed infertility treatment again. I may have exaggerated a little bit there - but that's what it felt like I was hearing. And that's what I dreamed of.

And that was not God's plan.

We wanted to have our children close together. Fertility decreases with age. We plan to homeschool, and I want my students close in age. If I'm going to be washing diapers every other day, it might as well be a huge load. We had reasons......

And we tried to give Meghan a sibling. I prayed and hoped and dreamed that we would be able to do it without meds. That we would be one of those families where it just worked. And it didn't happen.

In March, after yet another negative pregnancy test, I called the infertility clinic and said I wanted to come in and discuss options. I dropped Meghan off at a friend's house to play, drove to the clinic, and listened to the radio.....the song that was my constant challenge while waiting for Meghan played. The line "You are God, You are God, of all else I'm letting go" came and the tears flowed (as they have done many times while singing - often more like trying to force my heart to voice - this lyric). I like my plans. I had prayed about this plan, felt that God supported it, and yet felt like He wasn't coming through like I wanted him to.

Oh how slow I am to learn sometimes.....

I felt defeated. What hadn't I done right? Why hadn't my fertility just been corrected in the act of giving birth? Why were we back here? Will I be given children close in age?

Will I be given another child at all?

Turns out, the timing was right for me to start taking Clomid that day. I noticed this time that I was very foggy and tired on the Clomid. It wasn't fun. Nine days later, I was back in the office for an ultrasound. Once again the confirmation that I have severe PCOS. BUT, once again the confirmation that I had an egg waiting to be released! Got my trigger shot, my handshake, my good luck, and headed for home.

Two weeks later - no less trepidation than when I took the pregnancy test to tell us Meghan was coming. While the other negative pregnancy tests had been hard to see; there seemed to be so much more pressure with this one. I took the test and the faintest positive line showed up. Faint enough that I wasn't sure. So, at 5:45, I drove to Walmart in my pajamas (I NEVER go out in public - even Walmart - in my pajamas!) and bought another test. Again, a faint positive - though much darker than the first. I had Cole look at it and he confirmed what I saw. Could it be? Could we be pregnant?

I tried not to get my hopes up.

I went in for a blood pregnancy test at 9:15 in the morning. Then I went to Bible study and tried to pretend everything was normal - all I wanted to do was cry. Meghan had a hard time separating for me and that just compounded my intense need to just cry. That's one thing that still hasn't changed about me - I am a total stress crier. We came home from Bible study, I fed Meghan, she took a nap, she got up and had snack, we played toys.....no phone call. Minutes before the clinic's closing time I called to see if they had results. Not yet. By the end of tomorrow for sure.

Didn't they know I'm a stress migrainer and a stress crier?

About 10 minutes later I got a phone call - the infertility clinic - my heart was pounding and I felt like I could not breathe. And the words "Congratulations! You are pregnant! This test looks great!" Tears. Tears. Tears. So much happy!

In that moment all of the heartbreak and disappointment of not being able to do it ourselves, of having to seek medical treatment, of having to involve a team of doctors into such a personal part of our lives again was gone.....upon hearing that our sweet baby is active and growing inside of my body, it didn't matter how he or she got there. Our baby is there. God has once again blessed us with a child!!

And He's once again confirmed in my heart what he confirmed when we found out we were expecting our dear, sweet Meghan. I cannot say it any better than I did about two years ago, so I share it again.....

"It's a miracle how God can take a desperately broken body and form within it a new life.

But that's what he did in us through Christ, isn't it?

I've always been the type of person who imagined God seeing all the sin in my life and being constantly disgusted with me; and I have to constantly preach the gospel to myself - that God sees Christ when he looks at me. That he worked a miracle in my desperately broken and defective soul when he created new life in me through Christ. That I am a new creation!

So this baby, while it may never know what a profound effect its existence has in its Mama's heart, will forever be in our lives a testimony to the redeeming work that Christ did on the cross. This baby will forever be a tangible reminder of the gospel - that God can take something so broken, like a sinful human soul, and create a beautiful new life."

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We are sharing our story at only 4 weeks pregnant - just days after finding out. This baby is a miracle, a precious gift, and we can't not celebrate his or her existence with our family and friends! And.....if this pregnancy is anything like the last one, there will be LOTS of sickness in the next 36 weeks and I don't think that we will be able to hide how much that affects our family as we were last time....having a toddler and all :) As with last time, every vomiting episode will merely serve as a reminder that God is protecting this little one with lots of healthy pregnancy hormones!

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If you're interested in the back story of my infertility and the story of Meghan, click here to read God's miraculous working two years ago!!