I had heard the story about a million times in the last two years. After hearing about our journey through infertility in order to conceive Meghan it seemed everyone had a story about how they "have a friend who has a friend" or "have an uncle whose sister's brother-in-law's cousin" had PCOS and after having their first baby, everything just worked. They have 6,000 perfect children now and they never needed infertility treatment again. I may have exaggerated a little bit there - but that's what it felt like I was hearing. And that's what I dreamed of.
And that was not God's plan.
We wanted to have our children close together. Fertility decreases with age. We plan to homeschool, and I want my students close in age. If I'm going to be washing diapers every other day, it might as well be a huge load. We had reasons......
And we tried to give Meghan a sibling. I prayed and hoped and dreamed that we would be able to do it without meds. That we would be one of those families where it just worked. And it didn't happen.
In March, after yet another negative pregnancy test, I called the infertility clinic and said I wanted to come in and discuss options. I dropped Meghan off at a friend's house to play, drove to the clinic, and listened to the radio.....the song that was my constant challenge while waiting for Meghan played. The line "You are God, You are God, of all else I'm letting go" came and the tears flowed (as they have done many times while singing - often more like trying to force my heart to voice - this lyric). I like my plans. I had prayed about this plan, felt that God supported it, and yet felt like He wasn't coming through like I wanted him to.
Oh how slow I am to learn sometimes.....
I felt defeated. What hadn't I done right? Why hadn't my fertility just been corrected in the act of giving birth? Why were we back here? Will I be given children close in age?
Will I be given another child at all?
Turns out, the timing was right for me to start taking Clomid that day. I noticed this time that I was very foggy and tired on the Clomid. It wasn't fun. Nine days later, I was back in the office for an ultrasound. Once again the confirmation that I have severe PCOS. BUT, once again the confirmation that I had an egg waiting to be released! Got my trigger shot, my handshake, my good luck, and headed for home.
Two weeks later - no less trepidation than when I took the pregnancy test to tell us Meghan was coming. While the other negative pregnancy tests had been hard to see; there seemed to be so much more pressure with this one. I took the test and the faintest positive line showed up. Faint enough that I wasn't sure. So, at 5:45, I drove to Walmart in my pajamas (I NEVER go out in public - even Walmart - in my pajamas!) and bought another test. Again, a faint positive - though much darker than the first. I had Cole look at it and he confirmed what I saw. Could it be? Could we be pregnant?
I tried not to get my hopes up.
I went in for a blood pregnancy test at 9:15 in the morning. Then I went to Bible study and tried to pretend everything was normal - all I wanted to do was cry. Meghan had a hard time separating for me and that just compounded my intense need to just cry. That's one thing that still hasn't changed about me - I am a total stress crier. We came home from Bible study, I fed Meghan, she took a nap, she got up and had snack, we played toys.....no phone call. Minutes before the clinic's closing time I called to see if they had results. Not yet. By the end of tomorrow for sure.
Didn't they know I'm a stress migrainer and a stress crier?
About 10 minutes later I got a phone call - the infertility clinic - my heart was pounding and I felt like I could not breathe. And the words "Congratulations! You are pregnant! This test looks great!" Tears. Tears. Tears. So much happy!
In that moment all of the heartbreak and disappointment of not being able to do it ourselves, of having to seek medical treatment, of having to involve a team of doctors into such a personal part of our lives again was gone.....upon hearing that our sweet baby is active and growing inside of my body, it didn't matter how he or she got there. Our baby is there. God has once again blessed us with a child!!
And He's once again confirmed in my heart what he confirmed when we found out we were expecting our dear, sweet Meghan. I cannot say it any better than I did about two years ago, so I share it again.....
"It's a miracle how God can take a desperately broken body and form within it a new life.
But that's what he did in us through Christ, isn't it?
I've always been the type of person who imagined God seeing all the sin in my life and being constantly disgusted with me; and I have to constantly preach the gospel to myself - that God sees Christ when he looks at me. That he worked a miracle in my desperately broken and defective soul when he created new life in me through Christ. That I am a new creation!
So this baby, while it may never know what a profound effect its existence has in its Mama's heart, will forever be in our lives a testimony to the redeeming work that Christ did on the cross. This baby will forever be a tangible reminder of the gospel - that God can take something so broken, like a sinful human soul, and create a beautiful new life."
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We are sharing our story at only 4 weeks pregnant - just days after finding out. This baby is a miracle, a precious gift, and we can't not celebrate his or her existence with our family and friends! And.....if this pregnancy is anything like the last one, there will be LOTS of sickness in the next 36 weeks and I don't think that we will be able to hide how much that affects our family as we were last time....having a toddler and all :) As with last time, every vomiting episode will merely serve as a reminder that God is protecting this little one with lots of healthy pregnancy hormones!
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If you're interested in the back story of my infertility and the story of Meghan, click here to read God's miraculous working two years ago!!
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