Our Week :: 8:24-8/30

Quite possibly the biggest news at our house last week was sharing that we have a new baby on the way!! This little one is due at the end of April and we are desperately praying for a healthy baby!

After grocery shopping, Meghan enjoyed walking around with a paper bag on her head for a while....all the while proclaiming "Hat! Bag! Hat! Bag!"

She has begun showing very intense interest for what Mama is doing in the kitchen. She enjoys being able to see me working and having some tools to work with. I just loved her concentration this day.

On Friday, we were making cookies. She was at one end of the island and I was at the other. After dumping the dry ingredients into the bowl with the wet, I turned around to put the empty bowl in the sink, and when I turned back....she had managed to reach the bowl and was beginning to stir. She was very cautious about her work and loved being a "BIG GIRL" and helping Mama so much. Later that evening she DEFINITELY enjoyed the fruit of her labors.

While Daddy was getting ready for a game night, he showed Meghan how the dice tower works. And she enjoyed dropping dice repeatedly and watching them tumble and fall.

She's very much turning into a Daddy's girl. This night, she and Daddy worked on how to play her Haba Game. Now that she can match colors, conceptually she's ready for this game. She had fun dropping the dice and then picking a piece that had a matching color.

Baby Hoosier 3 :: 5 Weeks

This week, Baby is the size of a: sesame seed
Sleep: I am tired during the day and am sure that I rest for at least 1.5 hours during Meghan's nap. At night time, I am usually ready for bed by 9:00. I wake up earlier in the morning now than typical - I did this during Meghan's pregnancy too!
Best moment this week: Getting confirmation that all of my blood work looked good - HcG levels are elevating quite nicely and while progesterone is at the low end of normal, we are supplementing it and will keep an eye on it. 
Movement: nope
Food cravings: greasy pizza (I can't make this!), pickles, cottage cheese, protein - this baby likes protein!!
Symptoms: Some nausea - usually made better by making sure i eat something small, usually with protein every hour during the day. Lots of exhaustion (especially since I am now supplementing with progesterone). A good bit of bloating - my body in all three pregnancies sees HcG as the signal to hold onto all of the water I drink ;)
Milestones: Baby's spinal tube is starting to develop and will soon become a brain and spinal cord. Baby's heart is developing, too - we are praying especially for baby's heart as a heart defect is what is believed to have caused our miscarriage last time.  

Hello Little Rainbow!

For this child I prayed, and the LORD has granted me my petition that I made to him. 
1 Samuel 1:23

------------

I am so overwhelmed by this story. 

------------

In the beginning of 2015, as I thought about what I wanted from the coming year, I knew that learning to lean more completely on God was something I needed to improve. I am independent and like to be as self reliant as possible. I like to know the plan. And so, I began the year praying that God would teach me about trust. That at the end of the year I would be confident in my ability to TRUST GOD even when the plan seemed unclear. To TRUST GOD with the decision making in our lives. 

The song "Oceans" was a song I went to for encouragement during Meghan's feeding struggles. It provided musical inspiration for my prayers over 2015. The lyrics "Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the water. Wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my savior." - These words were my prayer over the year. I wanted to be like so many people I read about in the Bible who trusted God to do big things and saw Him work mightily in and through them. I wanted to learn to abandon all that I am and want to be to who I trust Him to be. I wanted to go deeper than I would ever choose to wander. And, I did, God carried me far deeper into leaning on Him than I would have ever chosen to wander....

------------ 

Sunday May 17th at 7:20 am - I gave birth to our second child. Seven months too soon. 

This was somewhere I never wanted to be. 

This was deeper than my feet would have ever chosen to wander. 

There was nowhere to go but right into the open arms of my Father. And that's where I ran. That's where I stayed. That's where my ability to trust Him was tested. 

And the harder I leaned into Him, the more I cried out to Him - the more he confirmed that He was good. That I could continue to trust Him.

I was learning to trust in a way I never had before. 

------------

After our miscarriage, we talked about what we wanted to do next. There was the option to be done having children. There was the option to try again to get pregnant. While I have come to a place of relative peace with the fact that given out difficulties with conception (and, apparently, maintaining a pregnancy) our family will likely be smaller than I had dreamed of, we did not feel peace about having only one child. Meghan needs a sibling. 

And so, from a place of pain, we began pursuing a third pregnancy. 

I was learning to trust in a way I never had before.

------------

After the miscarriage, these lyrics were so true of where we were: "There is strength within the sorrow. There is beauty in our tears. And You meet us in our mourning with a love that casts out fear." 

As we began infertility treatment again, the second part of that verse provided encouragement and challenging lyrics: "You are working in our waiting. You're sanctifying us. When beyond our understanding, you're teaching us to trust."

I knew that whatever the next several months held God was already in it. Whatever happened would continue to teach me trust - even when, like the miscarriage, it would be beyond my understanding. God's goal is my sanctification. 

------------

Infertility treatment is difficult. 

Miscarriage is heart-wrenchingly awful. Losing a child leaves such a wound on a mother's heart.

Infertility treatment after miscarriage is terrible and brings memories of the miscarriage back in waves. And it tempts constant fear that things will not be okay.

My body quickly adjusted to the miscarriage and returned to a state of "not pregnant" quickly and without the need for any medical intervention. We met with the infertility specialist and were told that in 4-6 weeks my body would be ready to try for another baby. 

Eight weeks later - nothing. While my body knew it was no longer pregnant, hormonally, it just stopped there. My hormone levels never went back to normal. (While normal hormones are a completely different thing for women with PCOS than others, there is a normal state from which infertility treatment can begin.) I called my doctor and he and the infertility specialist talked and prescribed a hormone for me to take for a few days to jump start my body again. If the hormone did not work, it was possible that my body had sustained damage from the miscarriage or that my uterus had become cystic - two things that would mean no more babies for the Hoosiers. We had to wait 3 weeks to find out. 

I was learning to trust in a way I never had before.

The hormone seemed to do what it needed to do and we started clomid just as we had for our previous two pregnancies. An ultrasound in 2 weeks would be the final test to determine whether my uterus was still able to carry a little one. Clomid made me emotional, and tired, and physically sick....it was by far a worse experience than the previous two times. While I knew God had a plan in this, I was frustrated by being here again, with only one child at home again. 

On the day of my ultrasound, I left Meghan playing with a friend and prayed and prepped my heart for going back into the hospital. The infertility clinic is housed in the same hospital where we went to the ER during our miscarriage. This would be my first time returning on my own. I prayed all the way through the lobby, into the elevator, and to the fourth floor.

We did vitals. And I was left in a room to change into a hospital gown for the ultrasound. That's when it hit me. A huge crashing wave of memories. The last time I was in a hospital gown. The last time that I faced one of these machines. The last time confirmed that my baby was dead. The last time confirmed that my baby was gone. The last time I had an ultrasound was during the worst experience of my life. 

I started praying. And breathing deeply. And trying to calm my rapidly racing heart. But as the nurse practitioner came into the room the tears flowed. She asked what was wrong and then remembered and gave me a big hug. She gave me a tissue and gave me a moment to collect myself and the ultrasound began. 

It was confirmed that my uterus was healthy after the miscarriage. No cysts. No damage. Great news! 

It also confirmed that the clomid had not worked as it had in the past. There was what appeared to be a slightly developed egg, but it wasn't big enough to be ready for conception. It was either an egg that needed more time to develop or a cyst that was swollen (potentially indicating further health problems). My heart was overcome with sadness. I was given an additional prescription to help my body identify which hormones it is supposed to be "listening" to during this phase and we scheduled an ultrasound for two days later to see if that growth was a developed egg or a potentially dangerous swollen cyst. That day I was frustrated. I was overwhelmed. I was sad. 

Between the emotions and memories brought back by the ultrasound and the results of the ultrasound I was an emotional mess. 

I was learning to trust in a way I never had before. 

Two days later I returned for another ultrasound. I was prepared to face the machine. As I changed into my gown, I repeated over and over (and out loud) "you are just a machine." The ultrasound began and wonderful news! There was a healthy egg! No potentially dangerous cyst. Instead, a potential baby. As with the past two treatments, I was given a shot, a "good luck", and headed home. 

Two weeks later, I woke at 4:30 and needed to go to the bathroom so badly that I could not fall back asleep. I was without the fear and trepidation that had accompanied me to these tests so many times in the past. I was calm. I knew that I was held in the arms of my father. And I knew that I could trust him to work a perfect plan in the life of our family. 

By 4:35, a smile moved across my face. Positive. Baby #3. 

After the storm of miscarriage, after the pain of losing a beloved child, another baby was coming. 

Our Rainbow Baby!! 

Blood tests confirmed pregnancy. Blood tests a few days later confirmed it again. 

Our sweet rainbow baby - our rainbow of hope after the storm - is due in late April 2016! 

We are elated. We are blessed. 

------------

Pregnancy after miscarriage is already very different than pregnancy before. 

Going to the bathroom brings a bit of anxiety - what if there's blood? Every hunger pain brings a small pang of fear - what if that's a contraction? It's a daily battle. But it's one I'm fighting. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

And I am still learning to trust. 

But, much more than at the beginning of the year, trust is becoming more natural. 

Fear and anxiety (my seemingly constant companions) are more easily pushed away in favor of trust. 

As a result of going "deeper than my feet could ever wander", I have indeed found that my faith has been "made stronger in the presence of my savior."

I cling to and remind myself of this scripture throughout the day:

Be strong and very courageous. 

Joshua 1:7a

I am confident in my God. He will work His good and perfect plan in our family. 

------------

Children are a gift from the LORD. 
Psalm 127:3a

Amen. Amen. And Amen.

------------

In case you're curious....

The Story of Our Baby #1 (Meghan)

The Story of Our Baby #2

Our Miscarriage Story

Our Week :: 8/17-8/23

Just a few pictures of her in her dress last Sunday .... because it was cute! 

She's been standing in her learning tower more and more and for longer periods of time while I am cooking. She will even pull it over and climb in with no help just to be a part of what I am doing. I am starting to see her imitate at her kitchen's stove what she sees me doing....it's so cute! She loves to cook for her baby and then feed it in the high chair.

After breakfast a few days ago (which was yogurt, dumped from a tube into a bowl and fed to her with a spoon), she went out to her kitchen, dumped her pretend yogurt into a bowl, and fed it to her baby. I'm so proud - my girl loves to cook :)

On Tuesday Meghan demonstrated some awesome cognitive and social skills: She was cooking in the playroom and I was working in the kitchen when she came out to me, tapped on my leg, signed & said "help", grabbed my finger and walked me out to the playroom, laid down on the floor, and pointed under the hutch where I found her toy tomato had rolled. So many steps to think through and execute - so proud of her!!

She has most definitely mastered sorting manipulatives by color. She's funny because she will take a piece, hold it over the wrong colored cup, say "ohhhhh" or "noooo", and then move it to put it in the correct one. A little bit of her sense of humor starting to show?

A favorite "mama" activity is putting her baby in the bilibo and rocking it back and forth. All while saying "rocka rock" over and over.

Um.....cuteness. Yes. Just cuteness.....

She has been more and more willing to try foods with "dip" on them so we tried her first PB&J sandwich....she really liked the first bite or two and was hesitant about the rest of it.....first PB&J just felt like such a momentous occasion that a photograph was needed!

She continues to love reading and looking at books daily. She is starting to really read the illustrations to herself and can even find books that you request she find. She can also find books based off their spines for favorite titles!

She has taken to wearing her buckets on her head.....I do not understand this. But, if you say "Bucket Head!" while she does it the whole activity ends in riotous laughter.

And lastly, the cross stitch project progress. It's so colorful - I just love that!

Meghan @ 18 Months

Meghan is 18 months old! She is 22 lbs and is 32 inches tall. She wears size 2T clothes.

Fine Motor: 

•  She is getting better at puzzles and figuring out how to twist pieces to get them to fit. She especially likes her shape puzzle. She really likes circles and ovals :) 
• She is making lots of dark, long strokes with crayons while coloring now. 
• She finger painted for the first time and liked it! 
• She has been working on threading her large beads. It's a difficult task, but she enjoys working hard on it. 

Gross Motor:

• When she hears music, she proclaims "dance" and either rocks side-to-side from foot to foot or spins in a circle. She loves to dance! 
• She is very fast at walking - we might have a runner soon! 
• She is starting to come down the stairs - we have to talk her through the process, but she is learning! 

Language: 

• As I said last month, I am no longer counting her words because she is gaining them so quickly. I'm glad I said that - there have been several times this past month where, while sitting and playing with her, I hear her use at least 5 words I'd never heard her say before! 
• I love the way she says "butter butter" for peanut butter. 
• When she works had on something and accomplishes it, she proclaims "DID IT!!" - often raising her hands or clapping along with it. It's so cute!! 
• When you ask her if she wants something and her answer is yes she gives an excited laugh and we have then prompted her to "say yes" - she responds with a head nod and "Yeah!!"
• She has hit the "no" phase. She says it so much these days - whether she means it or not. It's cute the way she says it, but hearing "no" all day becomes draining... :) 
• Her words are gaining sounds and becoming so much more clear now!
• She is trying to say words CONSTANTLY. I feel bad when she is trying to tell me something and I don't understand. She is able to show us things she finds exciting and make requests using her words. 
• She is learning names of body parts quite quickly - she enjoys them! She especially loves "TOES!!"
• She recognizes several shapes. She knows and names all of her colors - and enjoys naming the colors of things she sees. She recognizes the numbers 0, 8, and 9 (random...yes!). 
• She loves flashcard language games. She likes to look through a bunch that are laid on the ground for one that I say or to have me put 3-4 in front of her and then try to find the one I say. Her receptive language and recognition of labels is increasing so quickly! Every time we show off her "school" skills to Daddy he is impressed by how much more she has learned in just a few days. She absolutely is loving learning the labels for the objects in her world! 

Eating:

• We have made a slight adaptation to our breakfast routine and breakfast has been going so much more smoothly. 
• She has seemed much more hungry for lunch and has been eating lunch very well most days as long as she can use her "week" - which means fork - I have no idea where that came from, but it's better than the very inappropriate word fork sounded like her first few attempts to say it. 
• Because of our sleeping issues (I think) dinner has been a difficult meal. She seems to be tired and not want to eat. There is usually some fussing about eating, but eventually she gets the meal down. Sometimes it takes watching a movie, standing in the kitchen to watch Mama cook, or playing silly games with Daddy to get through dinner. But she's cute - and worth it!
• She is still drinking her milk 25% cream and 75% whole milk - she loves it and drinks an average of about 12 ounces per day. As a result, she has gained almost 2 pounds in the last 2 months! We are so proud of that growth! 

Sleeping:

• We seem to have hit the 18 month sleep regression - with a vengeance! 
• She skips her nap 2-3 times per week. She rarely takes as long of a nap as she needs. 
• To help make up for her difficulty with naps, we have been putting her to bed between 6-6:30 depending on how little nap she took and her mood in the evening. She does seem to be falling asleep shortly after being laid down and usually sleeps until 6:30ish. (Though there are mornings when I peek on her on her video monitor and she is already laying in her crib awake when I get up at 6:00).
• We have gone back to a morning rest time after taking it away - without that rest time she was just sobbing from about 9:30-12:00. With 30-60 minutes of rest in her crib in the morning - not sleeping - she is a happy camper until naptime at noon!

Other Updates:

• She loves playing outside - sandbox, gardens, water table, balls, bubbles, slides, a stick....it doesn't matter what we play with, she just loves being out there!
• She loves "school" - our learning fine motor activities, vocabulary flashcards, puzzles, etc. She asks for it all of the time!!
• She loves the book "Mr Brown Can Moo Can You" - it's the "boom boom boom" book. 
• She is getting very good at listening to read alouds. She loves the collection of stories by Eloise Wilkin - especially the story "Baby Dear."
• Tantrums - they have shown up. She will stomp her feet, cry, or say "no" when she does not want to do something....oh my. 
• She loves to "cook" and "take care of babies" - her imaginative play continues to explode. 

We took some 18 month pictures of her in her K-State dress :: 

(That one cracked me up! She was laughing so hard!)

(She's saying "TOES!" - her favorite body part to name!)

(Reading her K-State alphabet book from Uncle Jordan!)

(Yes, I know there are shadows in these pictures. To take them at a time when she would be super smiley right now requires doing them with poor light. Oh well - she's still cute!!)

Our Week :: 8/10-8/16

Meghan can now crawl up into her learning tower by herself! Often times when I am working in the kitchen, she will pull it over to where I am and climb up to watch. Pictures coming up will show just how much she is learning while watching Mama cook :) 

She now wants her baby's high chair next to her table - since that's where you feed the baby :) She has been enjoying feeding her baby juice!

She has wanted to color a lot in the past week, too. This day she was coloring in her waterworks book and having so much fun. 

Like I said, she has been doing so much cooking! This day, she said she was putting "milk" in her "oatmeal" and then proceeded to feed it to her baby. She is getting much more clear in her speech and words are gaining so many more sounds making them so much more clear! She is loving naming the foods in her kitchen (she has a small set of fruits and veggies arriving tomorrow - I think she will be thrilled to work on labeling all of them!). 

Baby also needed to eat some cheese. 

I have some Melissa and Doug cutting foods and knives from my teaching days - I brought up the apple for her - it's only 2 pieces and she can easily put it back together herself. She has a hard time determining the amount of force she needs to cut it open, but is so proud when she is successful! 

When she successfully accomplishes something that she had to work hard at, she will now proclaim "did it!" often times raising her hands or clapping at the same time. I love how she is becoming intrinsically motivated!

She has been loving her cars and vehicles, too. This day she enjoyed driving her tractor (from when Daddy was a boy) all over the house. 

On Thursday we went to playgroup in the neighborhood. She was overwhelmed a few times, but overall seemed to enjoy her time. Especially since the family who hosted this time had a small dog that enjoyed sitting near her :) 

I had to juice up some cucumber this week. She was incredibly scared of the juicer and ended up rocking and wailing in her tunnel - the safe place she runs to when she is very scared, particularly of noises. Part way through, I stopped and we read our book about noises, talked about what Mama was doing, and she got to try the juice. Her responses decreased after that until eventually, as long as I warned her and she was hidden away in her tunnel there was no more crying. She LOVED cucumber juice! There is green in the corners of her mouth,,

She is getting very good at making "big strokes" while coloring. She takes coloring very seriously and is enjoying the activity so much these days. 

She discovered that her kitchen sink had a faucet! She started pretending to wash her hands and then wipe them on her babies faces. We gave her one of the rags that we use to wash her face and she took to washing her baby and the surfaces around her playroom :) It's super cute to watch her learning more and more about how she can play imaginatively!

We played outside some on Saturday. This girl LOVES flowers! And so very much enjoyed "petting" the "fowers" in the gardens (while carrying a dead brussels sprouts leaf!). 

She enjoyed picking some tomatoes and ate 2 tomatoes and 2 green beans right from the garden! She LOVES her veggies!!

While Meghan and I worked in the gardens, Daddy was trimming branches off our trees. Meghan loves carrying old, small, dead branches around the yard like wands - she was very excited to haul this big branch around the yard (along with the tomato she picked and would not let me have!). 

She worked up a good sweat out there and when we came in, Daddy taught her how to cool off by putting your face above the AC vent. She thought that it was so funny!

Here's the progress on the cross-stitch this week: